


Survivors

by cannedpeaches



Series: All Roads Lead Me to This Place [10]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/M, Gen, Violence in Later Chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6052228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cannedpeaches/pseuds/cannedpeaches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They should have died a long time ago, and yet, here they are.</p><p>Now complete!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Esther met Joel, she was convinced he was the most unpleasant man she’d seen in a long time.

She’d been at the plant, helping the boys figure out how to repair one of the turbines, when Tommy approached her, tailed by a taller, sullen man with dark hair whose hands were buried deep in his pockets. The stranger’s shoulders were rounded, and he looked deeply uncomfortable.

“Esther!” Tommy said, putting a hand on her elbow. “Esther, I’d like to introduce my big brother, Joel. He’s just moved into town. Joel, this is Esther Greenglass, one of the plant engineers.”

Joel inclined his head toward her. “Ma’am.”

“This the same brother who was here in the fall?” Esther asked. She extended her hand toward Joel, but he was now looking at something over her head and didn’t return the gesture. She frowned and pulled her hand back.

“That’s him,” Tommy said, scratching the back of his neck and giving Joel a pointed look, which Joel also seemed to miss. Tommy cleared his throat. “Well, better be gettin’ on. Lots of people to meet.”

Esther raised an eyebrow at the two men as they walked past.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” she heard Tommy whisper to Joel.

“Huh?”

“You just totally ignored that poor woman!”

“I did?”

“You did.”

Joel shrugged, and then they were out of earshot.

Esther shook her head. She gave this guy a week before the town ate him alive.

  


Tommy had neglected to tell Esther that the girl who had been traveling with Joel the first time he’d passed through Jackson was back, too. Esther spotted them the following morning in the mess hall. The girl followed Joel, close on his heels, and even though she was seated far from the door, she could tell the girl was chattering a mile a minute. To her shock, Esther watched as Joel inclined his head toward the teenager, his face serious as he listened.

“Well, I’ll be fucked,” Esther muttered to herself, spooning oatmeal into her mouth. The man had a heart, after all.

The pair kept to themselves. Esther respected that; aside from town meetings, her work at the plant, and her rotating shifts in the fields and on the wall, she didn’t get out much herself. But she noticed how most people in town seemed to give the two a wide berth, going out of their way to give the man and the girl their space.  


One morning, two weeks after the pair’s arrival, Esther saw Joel enter the mess hall. Alone.

At that moment, Maria put her tray down in front of Esther. “Mind of I join you?” Maria asked.

“Can’t exactly say no,” Esther said, but there were no sharp edges in her voice. Tommy and Maria were easy to get along with, even more so because they’d taken her into their town when she’d shown up half-starved outside their gates two years ago.

“Guess you can’t,” Maria said, laughing as she sat.

Esther couldn’t help herself. She pointed her chin at Joel, who was now in the food line, the creases of his face deeper than usual. “What’s going on there?”

“Hm?”

“Tommy’s brother. He never goes anywhere without his girl.”

Maria snuck a glance over her shoulder and sighed. “Bit of a rough patch between the two of them. It’ll pass.” Esther heard the younger woman’s unspoken words: _We hope._

Later that night, while on her wall shift, Esther spotted Joel sitting with his back against the guardrail that protected the lookout zones. Like he had on the first day she met him, he looked miles away. Esther plopped herself down across from him, her own back aching. It took a moment for him to focus on her.

“How’s your daughter settlin’ in?” she asked.

“She ain’t --” he began, a harsh scratch. He paused and then seemed to remember himself. “She’s not my daughter,” he said more quietly.

Esther cocked her head at him but didn’t ask further. “She’s at a hard age,” she said. “And with all the travelin’ I heard you did, I’m sure life out there didn’t make it any easier.”

Joel just grunted and looked away.

“Hey,” she pressed. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “I’m not tryin’ to insert myself in your business. I just...” She fiddled with the stock of her rifle. “I know how hard it is to feel safe in a place, after a long time. That’s all.” She stood and slung the gun over her shoulder.

As she turned to leave, she heard Joel say, “Sorry.”

She moved to look at him. “What for?”

Joel mumbled something unintelligible and looked at his feet.

“What’s that?”

“I don’t remember your name,” he said, still not meeting her gaze. If it hadn’t been so dark, she might have thought he was blushing under his beard.

She snorted. “Not a lot of point in rememberin’ names these days, I guess. Never know when that person’s gonna turn up dead. I’m Esther.”

Joel nodded.

Esther hesitated, then said, “What’s the downside of eating a clock?”

Joel’s head snapped up, his brow knit.

Esther laughed. “It’s time-consumin’.”

Joel stared at her. And then he put his hand over his face and chuckled. “That’s awful,” he said. His smile was small, but it was there. “Ellie loves them stupid jokes,” he added, his voice soft.  


“You should tell it to her.”

Joel’s scowl was back in place. “Hmph.”

  


It wasn’t long after that that Tommy was hounding her.

“I heard you had a breakthrough,” he said to her one afternoon as she was crawling through the downed turbine. Her entire body was littered with smears of black grease, and her hair was coming loose from her thick, gray braid and sticking to her face.  


“Don’t know if I’d call it that,” Esther said, her voice echoing inside the machine.

“Closer than anyone else has gotten. Hell, might be closer than _I’ve_ gotten.”

“What’re you gettin’ at, Tommy?” she asked, sticking her head out carefully from between the blades.

Tommy was up on the catwalk that went around the plant, and at her words, he shifted from foot to foot, his fidgeting easily visible from Esther’s position.

“Just -- y’know,” Tommy said, stalling. “He could use a friend here.”

“He’s got you.”

“I’m his brother. He’s always got me.”

“Fine, then he’s got Maria.”

“Maria don’t count,” Tommy said, exasperation creeping into his voice. “What’s your problem with my brother, anyway?”

“No problem,” said Esther, ducking back into the turbine to hide her blush. “Just don’t see what you’re fussin’ me about. If he wants friends, he’ll come around to it.”

“Like you’ve come around to it?” Tommy muttered.

“I heard that.”

“You two would really be a match made in heaven, you know that?”

“Don’t even joke.”  


  


For a few weeks after that, Tommy brought Joel by the plant, too obviously trying to get Jackson’s two most taciturn residents to speak to each other, without much luck. Eventually, though, the turbine was repaired and things began to thaw between Joel and Ellie, and Tommy’s visits ended. Esther was glad of it; the plant gave her enough trouble without Tommy harassing her.  


Esther saw Ellie in town often, usually accompanied by Liam and Gemma, teenage siblings who were about Ellie’s age, children of two of the settlement’s founders. Their friendship seemed to have raised Ellie in the town’s estimation; although most people still avoided Joel, when Ellie went out without him -- which was most of the time, these days -- the majority of Jackson’s residents were happy enough to at least wave.

Esther observed these things from her front porch -- her house being located down a side street from the town square -- in between reading chapters of an engineering manual. The book was dull, but she didn’t dare let herself get rusty. Just last year, the only other engineer in town, Maria’s father, had died, and Esther knew everyone was relying on her to keep the plant running _and_ train someone else to help her.

She lay the open book on her lap and rubbed her eyes. The spindly lines on the diagrams were giving her a headache. She sighed, pressing her fingers to her eyelids.

“Hello.”

Esther jumped, the book sliding off her lap and slamming shut.

“Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry --”

Esther looked up to find a flash of red passing in front of her. When her eyes refocused, Ellie was standing in front of her, holding the manual out in two small, pale hands.

“Thanks,” Esther said, taking the book from the girl. “Ellie, right?”

Ellie nodded. She kept her eyes on Esther’s face, but she was picking at her cuticles, drawing blood with the nervous gesture. Esther peeked around her; neither Liam nor Gemma was in sight.

“I’m Esther.” She gestured to the worn wooden chair across from her, pulling her feet off it as she did so. “Want to sit?”

Ellie moved to sit across from the older woman. “You’re the one who told Joel the clock joke,” Ellie said as she settled into the chair.

Esther raised her eyebrows. “So, he did tell it to you after all.”

“What?”

“He told me you like puns.”

“He did?”

“Mmm.” Esther toyed with the cracked spine of the manual. Now that the girl was on her porch, she wasn’t sure why she had invited her.

“What’s the book?”

“This?” Esther held it out to her, glad that Ellie had lighted on another topic of conversation.

“Electrical engineering,” Ellie said as she flipped through the pages.

“I help with the hydroelectric plant,” Esther explained.

“So fucking cool,” Ellie said, running her fingers over the various diagrams. “Did you just learn how to run the plant from books?”

“No. I went to school for it. A long time ago.”

Ellie handed the book back. She squinted at Esther’s face. “Are you from Texas?”

Esther was so surprised she laughed. “No, I’m not. Why?”

“Your accent,” said Ellie. She kicked her legs. “It sounds kind of like Joel’s.”

Esther smiled. “I’m from Charleston. South Carolina. Still southern, but a little different from Texas.”

“Never been to Charleston.”

“Don’t go. Nothin’ but a swamp full of spores now.”

“Sounds like everywhere.”

“You’re probably right.”

“What was it like?” Ellie asked. She leaned in, her body still, her big eyes even wider with curiosity. Esther could see why the town had warmed up to her easier than it had Joel; once the girl let her guard down, she was easy to love.

Esther was about to describe the palm trees, the shore, the old buildings, but a yell interrupted her.

“Ellie!”

The girl whipped around. Up the street, toward the town square, Joel was calling to her.

“Ellie, what have I told you about botherin’ people?”

“No bother,” Esther yelled to him as she stood and leaned over her porch railing.

Joel seemed to root himself to the spot. He gave Esther a stiff nod. “Ma’am.”

Esther looked back at Ellie. “Better run along. I don’t want to get on his bad side.”

Ellie snorted. “You’re not on his bad side.” She popped out of her chair, clattered down the porch steps, and jogged over to Joel, putting her small hand in one of his large ones.

Esther watched them until they turned a corner. She shook her head. She was pretty sure Joel only had a good side for Ellie.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This collection of rambling is brought to you by Neil Druckmann's stage-only [epilogue](http://www.polygon.com/2014/7/29/5948073/the-last-of-us-epilogue-joel-ellie).
> 
> I have a lot of thoughts about Joel and Esther, but most of it is this: Ellie is teaching Joel how to heal and love and open his heart again -- but after twenty years, it's sure not going to be easy for him. I don't think he and Esther would fall for each other immediately, if they ever do in Druckmann's universe, because of Joel's deep emotional constipation and Esther being another hardened survivor. But maybe, after years of having a companionable relationship, something more could happen.
> 
> In this story (and in my mind), that "more" _does_ happen. I started writing it, but I'm not sure it's any good or of any interest to people. So I'm not sure I'll continue this, but if there's enough interest, I'll see what I can do.
> 
> Not necessary reading, but this story mentions characters and situations from my previous stories ["Always,"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5656186) ["First Dance,"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5715091) and ["The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place."](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5896024)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esther and Joel start getting to know each other, in spite of themselves.

After their run-in on Esther’s porch, Ellie was all too happy to greet the older woman as they passed each other on Jackson’s streets or in the mess hall. Ellie was reserved but curious; it wasn’t long before the town’s residents began opening up to her.

Joel, however, was another story. Whenever he was with Ellie, people still gave them plenty of space, and while Ellie spent increasing amounts of time with Jackson’s other teenagers, Joel was always by himself.

It wasn’t until weeks later that Esther had another chance to talk to Joel. They were on the same guard shift again, this time an early morning one that would stretch into the warm afternoon. Esther was leaning over the railing that ran along the top of the wall that surrounded Jackson, watching the sun rise in the distance. The orange disk rising over the tops of the trees never failed to soothe her; it was one of the first things that had anchored her when she first arrived in Jackson. She took a deep breath of the crisp morning air, closing her eyes as the wind caressed her face.

Behind her, someone cleared their throat. The sudden noise made her jump.

“Sorry.”

Esther turned to find Joel standing behind her, scratching at the back of his head, his rifle slung over his shoulder.

“Esther, right?” he said.

She nodded, wary. In spite of herself, she motioned for him to come over. He rested his arms on the railing next to her, looking down at the straight drop to the ground.

“How are you?” Esther asked him.

“Fine,” Joel said, his tone flat. Esther raised an eyebrow at him, but he was still staring at the ground.

“Ellie seems to be settlin’ in,” she tried.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, she is,” he said, straightening up.

“That’s good,” Esther said.

“It is,” Joel agreed.

“Is she happy?”

He shrugged. “She’s safe.”

“Are you happy?”

He turned to look at her. His eyes were a startling mix of deep green and dark brown in the early morning light.

“I’m happy she’s safe,” he said simply.

They watched the sun rise higher in the sky in comfortable silence.

After seconds or minutes -- Esther wasn’t at all sure -- she said, “Your brother came to talk to me. A few weeks ago, when you and Ellie...” She flapped a hand to indicate whatever it was that had gone on between Joel and his girl.

“Yeah? About what?”

“Thought you needed a friend,” Esther said, rolling her eyes.

Joel snorted. “Figures as much. That little shit. Sorry he was botherin’ you.”

“It was mostly a waste of his time, honestly. Told him he couldn’t put two worse people together. I’m not exactly known for bein’ friendly either.” She couldn’t help but laugh.

When she glanced at Joel’s face out of the corner of her eye, though, he wasn’t laughing; his face was unreadable as he examined her profile. She averted her eyes again, her humor dying in her chest.

“Don’t seem that unfriendly to me,” he said, looking away from her once more.

She shrugged. “It’s all relative, I guess.”

“Ellie likes you.”

Now, she did laugh again. “Ellie’s met me once, I think.”

“Don’t matter,” Joel said. “Ellie’s got this -- sixth sense for people.” He paused before adding, “Good people.”

“And I’m a good person?” Her stomach tingled uncomfortably. She hadn’t thought about what kind of person she was in a long, long time.

“She thinks so.”

“And you trust her.” It wasn’t a question; Esther already knew the answer.

“After all we been through, I trust that girl with my life.”

“Hm.” She adjusted her gun on her shoulder. “You must be a good person, too.”

Joel made a rough noise of disbelief. “How d’you figure?”

“Ellie likes you, doesn’t she?”

“Guess you got a point there,” he said, shifting from one foot to the other.

“It’s been known to happen.” Then she smiled and said, “Did you hear about the pig that stopped sunbathin’? He was bacon in the heat.”

Joel put a hand over his face. “Jesus Christ,” he groaned. “I get enough of that at home.”

He shouldered his rifle and walked away, but she smiled when she heard him suppressing a chuckle.

 

For reasons she didn’t understand for a long time, Esther became the only person in Jackson -- aside from Ellie, Tommy, and Maria, of course -- that Joel would acknowledge. It earned Esther some curious glances whenever Joel nodded at her in the town square, but that wasn’t anything unusual for her. People had been looking at her funny since she’d arrived.

One afternoon, Esther was standing over her dining table, examining Tommy’s plans to bring another turbine online, when there was a knock on her door.

Esther raised an eyebrow, then went to answer it. Joel was standing there, hands deep in his pockets, staring at his battered shoes.

“Hi?” Esther said, more a question than a greeting.

Joel nodded at his shoes by way of answering. “I hate to bother you...” he began.

Esther waited. Joel cleared his throat.

“Helpin’ Tommy clean out a house, and it looks like the wirin’ in the walls is all shot. Was wonderin’ if you’d have time to take a look. It’s beyond me.” He was still decidedly staring at his shoes.

“Sure,” Esther said, blinking. “Just let me grab some tools.”

Esther went into her house to dig her toolbox out of the closet near the kitchen. She left the door open, but Joel just stood on her porch, waiting. When she came back, she saw him taking small, surreptitious glances inside. She was sure he’d find nothing interesting; her walls were bare, her floors hardwood, her furniture similarly sparse. She didn’t even have a couch.

As Esther shut the door, Joel began walking down the street, and she followed a little behind him.

“Who’s the house for?” she asked.

“Earl’s son is lookin’ to move out,” Joel said. He didn’t elaborate, so Esther left it alone.

At the house, Tommy had his head stuck through a hole that he and Joel must have broken in the drywall.

“Esther’s here,” Joel said to announce them.

Tommy nearly smacked his head on the ragged edge of wall as he popped back out. He grinned at Esther.

“Woman of the hour,” he said. “Appreciate you takin’ the time.”

Esther shrugged, setting her toolbox down by the hole. “It’s only at the cost of delayin’ that new turbine.”

“How are those plans lookin’?” Tommy asked, making conversation as Esther looked into the wall. She wrinkled her nose.

“Beginnin’ to question whether you actually know how electricity works,” she said. “Wires in here look like they’ve been chewed up by rats,” she added.

“That’s what we thought,” Tommy said.

“Let me guess,” Esther said, straightening up. “We don’t have any extra wirin’ lyin’ around somewhere, do we?”

Tommy scratched the back of his neck. “Not if we want to get that new turbine up and runnin’ again. No tellin’ how much we’ll need for that project.”

Esther frowned. “Jed really wants this house, doesn’t he?”

“He does.”

She looked around at the structure’s high ceilings, its wide staircase. She wouldn’t want to give this house up, either. Especially if she were thinking about having kids. Jed was getting married in the fall; she couldn’t blame him.

Esther sighed. “There might be a way I can patch it, but I’m not necessarily sure it’ll be...safe. Gonna be a lot of partially exposed wires, because I don’t have the right materials to reinsulate them fully.”

“Might as well give it a shot,” Tommy said. “Wires are all in the walls anyway. Joel and I will patch up the drywall once you’re done.”

“You’re the boss,” Esther said. “Gonna need a propane tank and a camp stove, plus any tape you can find.”

“You start,” Tommy said, “I’ll see what I can dig up. Joel can stay with you, in case you need anything.”

Both Esther and Joel opened their mouths to respond -- and Esther wasn’t if she wanted to protest, on her part, although she was sure Joel did -- but Tommy scampered out of the house and down the street as quickly as he could.

Joel snorted. “There he goes again. It was his idea for me to come get you, of course.”

Esther shook her head. “Let’s just get on with it.” She pulled a knife out of her pocket and began stripping the insulation from the damaged wires.

After about fifteen minutes of silence, Esther working and Joel hovering near the door, he asked, “Need any help?”

“Not enough space for two,” she said.

“Well, let me know if you need a break.”

“So you can destroy these wires some more? No thank you,” she said. She was trying to joke, but her voice was strained. She’d never enjoyed being supervised, and the thought of Joel watching her work made a bead of sweat roll down the back of her neck. It didn’t help that the air in the house was so close.

“Where’s Ellie today?” she said, changing the subject.

“Down at the stables,” Joel said. “Maria’s got her set up on a daily shift there.”

“She like horses?”

“Loves ’em.”

Esther couldn’t help half-smiling at that. “Me, too.”

Joel grunted in acknowledgement. They lapsed into silence again. The dusty air stuck in Esther’s throat.

Finally, she said, “I used to ride competitively. When I was a kid.”

There was a pause before Joel said, “Yeah?” She looked up at him. He leaned against he wall, arms crossed, one leg up, his eyebrows raised. She’d caught him by surprise.

“Yeah,” she said. “Until college. Couldn’t get a scholarship so I stopped.”

“Hm,” Joel said.

“Learned all my fancy skills there,” she added, holding up the knife and the wire end she was working on.

Joel made a sound that was almost a laugh. “Took a shop class in high school once. Mostly set shit on fire.”

Esther grinned. “I’ve been soldering since I was ten.”

“You’re kiddin’.”

She shook her head. “Had an uncle who was a mechanic. I loved hangin’ around his garage after school when my dad was at work. Learned a thing or two.”

“Huh.”

After a few minutes, Esther heard Joel’s heavy boots on the floor, getting closer to her. He peered over her shoulder, watching her work, and she could feel the heat rolling off him in the still air. Her sweaty hands slipped, the edge of the knife digging into her thumb on the hand that was holding the wire.

“Fuck,” she hissed, sucking at the cut.

Joel jumped away. “Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

She waved him off. “I’m fine. This is nothin’.”

“You sure?”

She gestured toward the window, indicating the world outside.

“Good point.” He settled back against the wall again, and they said nothing more until Tommy returned half an hour later. He looked from Joel to Esther and back again, then sighed a bit and set the propane and the stove down next to her.

As Esther soldered, she passed the repaired wires to Joel and Tommy, who wrapped the exposed metal in scraps of electrical tape. The work was painstaking, and they didn’t talk much through any of it.

Finally, Esther arranged the wires back inside the wall, then wiped the sweat from her brow.

“All set,” she said, stepping back.

“Thank you,” Tommy said. “I’m just Jed will appreciate it.”

“Sure,” Esther said, stretching. “Better get back to those blueprints. Gonna have to put a pot on to keep myself awake at this rate.”

Joel froze. “What?”

Esther stared at him. “A pot.” Joel continued to look like a deer in the headlights. “Of coffee?”

Joel slowly mouthed the word “coffee,” never actually making any sound. Tommy burst out laughing.

“It’s not real coffee,” he explained. “Chickory shit. Tastes all right, though. Esther makes a pretty good blend for us.”

Joel looked almost pained as he asked, “Do you mind if I...?”

Esther smirked at him. “Why don’t you go home and wash up? I’ll bring you some.”

Joel practically bolted from the house. Esther stared after him, utterly mystified. Behind her, Tommy was bent double, laughing.

“That man practically went through withdrawal when we started runnin’ out of coffee,” he wheezed when he could speak again. “You probably -- you probably just became his new favorite person.”

“Let’s not get carried away,” Esther muttered, rolling her eyes as she set off back toward her house.

Inside, she washed her hands and scrubbed her face before grabbing a can of of chickory coffee from her kitchen. She then headed off toward Joel’s house, a small cabin on the edge of town. The structure was set far back from the main road that led to the gates and was partially obscured by trees. She wasn’t at all surprised that Joel would live in such a secluded place.

She walked up the three steps leading to the porch, then knocked on the door. She hummed to herself, waiting a few moments, but there was no answer. She tried a few more times before testing the doorknob. To her surprise, the front door swung open. She hesitated only a moment before stepping inside, closing the door quietly behind her.

The air in the house was cooler than the outside. The large living room was framed by a staircase to the right, and it contained a couch, a chair, and a tiny TV, a guitar leaning against the wall next to it. Above the guitar was a picture frame, the only adornment on the room’s walls. Esther stepped in to look at it, her curiosity getting the better of her.

The frame was simple and wooden, battered but intact, the glass scratched but clean. It took Esther a few moments to realize that the smiling young man in the picture was Joel. He had his arm wrapped around a blonde girl, who was wearing a uniform and holding up a trophy. They both looked ecstatic. More than that, Joel looked proud. Esther hugged the can to her chest and rested the fingers of one hand against her lips in wonder. Was this...?

“My daughter,” Joel said from behind her.

Esther jumped a mile; she hadn’t heard him. Her face flushed, and she curled in on herself a bit without even thinking. “I’m so sorry,” she said, looking at him through her lashes. “The door was open, and I...” She swallowed. Joel’s eyes were hollow and haunted. She’d never seen him look like that before. “Maybe I should go,” she said, already starting to push past him toward the door.

His warm hand on her arm stilled her. It lingered for only a second before Joel pulled it away, as if he had been burned.

“Don’t,” he said, his voice gravel. He paused before adding, more steadily, “I ain’t lettin’ that coffee get away from me.”

She followed him into the kitchen at the back of the house, passing a partially open door revealing an unmade bed and books scattered all over the floor. Esther’s lips quirked up into a smile; this must be Ellie’s room.

In the kitchen, Joel put on a kettle of water, then leaned against the countertop, arms crossed, looking at the linoleum. Esther set the can of chickory coffee near his elbow.

“I’m sorry,” she said again.

He just shook his head. “Don’t matter. Just glad I saw you. Been known to shoot first, ask questions later.”

Esther nodded, mute. They both listened to the pot heat.

“She died a long time ago,” Joel said, answering her unvoiced question. “Her -- her name was Sarah.”

Esther could only think to say _I’m sorry_ again, but the words stuck in her throat, so she just watched him, his slumped shoulders, the way the lines in his face deepened. It made her bones ache in a way they hadn’t since she’d arrived in Jackson. But she knew that weight. She knew that exhaustion all too well.

The kettle began to whistle. Joel turned the stove off, then handed Esther two cups. She parceled the chickory out into them, then poured hot water over and handed one to Joel. He held the mug to his face and inhaled deeply.

“It’s not quite the same,” she warned him as he took a sip. He made a face, but it wasn’t an unpleasant one.

“After twenty years of nothin’, I’ll take what I can get,” he said, giving her a wan smile.

She pushed the can toward him. “Keep it,” she said. Joel began to shake his head. “No, I mean it. Least I can do about bargin’ into your house.” Her knuckles were white where they gripped the cup.

“It’s alright,” he said, his voice tight.

She didn’t want to argue with him, so she just sipped at her coffee. Finally, she said, “Which one of you plays guitar?”

Joel let out a surprised laugh. “We both do, but one of us plays better than the other.”

Esther grinned. “Ellie not much musically?”

“Oh, she loves music,” Joel said. “Just don’t like sittin’ still.”

As if on cue, the front door crashed open as Ellie sang out Joel’s name.

“Hey, baby girl,” he called back to her. “Esther and I are in the kitchen.”

Ellie poked her head in and gave Esther a shy smile. “Hi,” she said. Then she added, “What smells so good?”

“Esther brought over some coffee,” Joel said, holding his mug up. Ellie scampered over to him and took the mug from his hands without further preamble, then took a huge gulp of the drink. Her eyes widened and her face twisted up as she swallowed.

“Ugh,” she said, handing Joel back his cup. “That stuff’s _awful_.”

Joel guffawed as Esther tried to stifle her own laughter.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” Ellie said, nicking an apple from the bowl on the counter. “I’m gonna go see what Gemma’s up to. Okay, Joel?”

He nodded. “Go on.”

“It was nice to see you, Esther,” Ellie added, beaming.

Esther smiled at the girl as she left the room. The front door slammed a few seconds later. Esther laughed as Joel scratched the back of his neck.

“Well, I should probably get goin’, too,” she said, putting her cup in the sink.

“Thanks for the coffee,” Joel said. He walked her to the front door, but before he opened it, he paused. “Hey, uh.” He cleared his throat. “Don’t be a stranger, yeah?”

Esther cocked her head at him. “Sure,” she said curiously.

He looked at the floor and nodded, then opened the door for her without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure where I'm going with this -- I know where I want to end up, if I ever finish this, but not necessarily what happens in between. It'll be an interesting ride.
> 
> I know Joel and Esther aren't at all a popular pairing, but thank you to everyone who's stopped by to read this thing. I appreciate you all giving this story a chance. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esther reveals the secret of her past. Will her friendship with Joel survive?

“Joel,” Esther whispered. Her breath puffed fog-like from her lips in the cold winter air. She pointed off to her right with her chin.

Joel, who had been walking on her other side, stilled and looked past her. His eyes narrowed as he, too spotted the deer. He met her eyes, gave her a curt little nod, and they began to make their way through the snow, creeping closer to the animal.

Esther rarely joined in on Jackson’s periodic hunting trips. Even the thought of spending a few days stuck with a small group of other people made anxiety choke her, and with her special skills, she contributed enough to the community as it was that Tommy and Maria had a good excuse not to hassle her. And they were all too happy to leave her alone; aside from Esther, they were the only ones who knew about her past, and with that information, they couldn’t blame her for keeping to herself.

When Joel, however, had asked her to come along this time, she found it hard to say no. She had been over at his cabin for dinner, as she’d taken to doing a few times a month, and Ellie had been eating with them, her eyes curious, as they always were. Joel had looked at Esther expectantly as bile suddenly fought it way up her throat, but she’d managed to say “Sure” in a casual enough tone that he’d nodded, satisfied, a smile playing at his lips.

And she liked seeing him smile. She liked spending time with him. She liked that they didn’t have to talk, and when they did, they fell into surprisingly easy conversation. She liked that he respected her, that he didn’t ask questions. And she liked Ellie, too. It had been years since Esther had had any friends. In the end, she hoped this would be a small gesture of friendship.

So far, the hunt had gone well. Their group of five had bagged a surprisingly large amount of meat early on, so much so that they might be able to go back early. This deer, Esther knew, could probably cap them off.

She and Joel crouched behind a snowbank, the deer a few hundred feet in front of them, obliviously nosing through the snow for any vegetation peeking through. Joel slipped his rifle off his shoulder and lined up the shot. Esther put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. He looked at her, eyebrows raised. She shook her head, put a hand to her lips, and lined up an arrow in the bow she’d borrowed from Joel. Quieter was always better, she knew.

She drew her arm back, the tension and bite of the string familiar under her fingers. She’d forgotten how much she enjoyed this. When she let the arrow fly, it hit the deer square in the eye. It collapsed immediately. Esther let out a noisy breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding.

Joel whistled low, impressed. “Thought you told me you weren’t a good shot?” he said, crossing his arms.

Esther felt her face heat. “Might have been overly modest.”

Joel went to fetch the sledge they used for hauling back kills as Esther went to the downed deer and pulled the arrow out of its eye. Together, she and Joel hauled the animal onto the sledge, then took the sledge’s two ropes and began to pull their kill back to camp.

“Where’d you learn to shoot like that? Thought you grew up all fancypants,” Joel teased her, his voice light despite the exertion of pulling the sledge. The teasing was new, something she’d only ever seen him do to Ellie or Tommy. It made her stomach flip.

“I never should have told you about cotillion,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“They teach you how to use a bow and arrow while you were wearing a frilly dress?” She glared at him, but it was half-hearted; he was grinning.

“Very funny,” she said, chuckling under her breath.

“I’m just tryin’ to understand how a proper lady from Charleston survives almost twenty-two years after the goddamn world ended,” Joel continued. His tone was still light, but under the levity was something else.

Curiosity.

Esther didn’t respond. Joel, of all people, should know how dangerous curiosity was. Her stomach twisted painfully, her heart hammering in her chest.

After a few minutes of silence, Joel cleared his throat.

“Hey,” he said, coming to a slow stop. Esther turned to look at him, still gripping her rope tight. “Did I offend you?” His brow was lined with concern, an expression she hadn’t ever seen on his face before.

She twisted the rope around and around in her hands and stared at the snow. “No,” she said, “of course not.”

“I didn’t mean to pry,” he said, casting his arms about uselessly, as if looking for anything that would repair the awkwardness growing between them.

“No,” she said, “I know that.”

He frowned, every inch of his face unhappy.

Esther sighed, shouldering her rope again and turning to pull the sledge. “Things just got kinda complicated for me,” she said as he did likewise. “Between the outbreak and gettin’ here. To Jackson.”

“Complicated for us all,” Joel muttered, mostly to himself.

“It’s different for me,” she said.

“Alright,” Joel said. His tone was indifferent, but she still felt his eyes boring into the side of her face.

As they continued on in silence, Esther fought with herself, a rising sense of panic battling her growing trust in this man.

Finally, Joel said, “So, how’s that turbine comin’?” His voice was strained. It was no secret that he wasn’t one for small talk; Esther assumed that the awkwardness still hanging in the air between them must have been too much for even him.

“It’s comin’,” Esther muttered, grateful for the change of subject. “Although if I can’t get the new transistors I need, it won’t matter. Tommy says we don’t have any handy and he’s not sure where we can find more, so that’ll be some scavengin’ trip.”

Joel grunted in response. She risked a glance at him. His face was thoughtful, the corners of his lips pulled down in a small frown.

She sighed. Her stomach clenched. _Fuck it._ “My last year of high school, my dad’s company went bankrupt,” she said. A question was forming on Joel’s lips, but Esther pressed on. “After that, no more ‘fancypants.’“

Joel shifted his rope from one shoulder to the other. “Esther --”

“You might as well know,“ she said. “Tommy does.” He lapsed into quiet again, listening. “I told you I couldn’t get a college scholarship for ridin’ horses. And with everythin’ that was goin’ on with my family, I had to pay my own way. So I did ROTC. Went right into the Army Corps of Engineers.”

Beside her, Joel tensed, although neither stopped moving along the path they were cutting through the snow.

“So that’s what I did for a while,” she continued. “Electrical engineerin’. Until the cordyceps. Then I wasn’t just an engineer. I was a soldier. We all were. And when we weren’t Army anymore, we were FEDRA.”

Joel looked unsurprised, but his jaw muscles worked with a vicious ferocity.

“I was part of the Baltimore QZ for years,” she went on, pushing through the lump in her throat, the shaking in her hands at his silence. “I ... I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. For a long time.” She swallowed hard. “When I finally deserted, I had nowhere to go, no family, nothin’. I was by myself for ... I don’t know how long. And then I came here. And here I am.” She took a deep breath. “That’s all,” she said. “That’s it.”

The silence around them was deafening. It closed around her, making her feel the cold all the more acutely.

Finally, Joel said, “Do you know how Sarah died?” His voice was a rough rasp. He was staring at the ground in front of him. One foot in front of the other.

“No,” she said. Of course she didn’t, but a rising, cold feeling of absolute panic gave her a hint.

“Military,” he spat. “She got shot. Night of the outbreak.”

Everything in Esther was numb. What had she been thinking? That should could unload on this man, still so much a stranger to her? That he would absolve her? No one could, after all FEDRA had done. She couldn’t forgive herself. And his daughter ...

“Joel?” she whispered.

But he shook his head. They were done talking.

 

Joel’s silence lasted their entire trudge back to camp, spilled over into the journey back to Jackson, and then the days and weeks following their return. It grew and stretched and filled the spaces around and between them, and the longer it lasted, the more sure Esther was that their short friendship was over.

It shouldn’t have bothered her. She had been alone for so long that she should have been used to it by now. She had spent years isolated in her mind, even in the Baltimore QZ, knowing that what she was doing was wrong, even as her fellow soldiers joked about how hard a refugee’s head had snapped back when she had been shot. The quiet of the wilderness had almost been a sanctuary. And when she’d no longer been able to scavenge and survive on her own, Jackson became a real sanctuary, a physical one -- albeit one in which she still couldn’t trust herself around people, couldn’t rely on people to trust themselves around her. How much had these people lost to FEDRA, even more than they’d lost to the cordyceps?

And yet.

And yet she missed Ellie’s laughter at their dinners, especially as Esther returned to her old habit of standing over her kitchen sink to scarf down a sandwich before getting back to work. She missed the girl’s curious questions; her terrible sense of humor, which was so close to Esther’s own; the way Ellie made Joel smile.

_Joel._

Esther missed Joel more than she had any right to.

It wasn’t like they had deep, endless conversations. Or even that they were in each other’s presence all that much. But she missed having the option of talking to him, of going to him, of being welcome in his small, tidy house. And at night, when she was tired and liable to be especially truthful, at least to herself, she admitted that she missed having him around. Close to her. Strong, safe, and soothing.

But even in the dark, this was a fleeting thought. She was used to being alone. She had no right.

 

It was another late night. Esther rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she squinted at Tommy’s newest scheme to get the turbine back online without the correct transistors. Esther had told him dozens of times that electricity wasn’t something that could necessarily always be adapted in this way, but that certainly didn’t keep the man from trying.

The knock at her door was so timid and unexpected that Esther at first thought she was hearing things. But no, there it was again.

Esther stood, crossed her living room, and opened the door a crack. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did, she saw two large, green eyes looking back at her.

“Ellie? What the hell are you doin’ out so late?”

Ellie had her arms wrapped around her against the cold, and she kept looking around furtively. “I snuck out. Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Esther opened the door wider and took a step back to let the girl in.

Ellie brushed snow from her coat as she said, “Look, I don’t have a lot of time to beat around the bush, so I’ll just say it: Joel misses you.”

Esther stared. “What?”

Ellie huffed a loud sigh. “I mean, he hasn’t said as much -- just, y’know, what you said to him.” A flush crept into her cheeks and she bit her lip. “But like, I know he misses you. He’s pretty much always a giant asshole, but these days...” She shrugged.

Esther shook her head, her stomach giving a dangerous lurch. “What makes you think that has to do with me?”

Ellie bounced on her feet, impatient. “Just trust me, okay? Joel’s really not all that hard to read when you get to know him. And I think I know him better than almost anyone. Except maybe Tommy.”

Esther wound her long braid around her wrist, thinking.

“I have to go before Joel notices I’m gone,” Ellie said now, stepping toward the door. “But I just figured you should know.”

Esther shrugged. “I appreciate it, Ellie, but I’m not sure what you’re expectin’ me to do here.”

“Talk to him?”

Esther snorted. “Not fuckin’ likely. If he want to be left alone --”

“He _doesn’t_ , though, that’s the thing.” Ellie rolled her eyes. “Jesus, you’re just as bad as he is. Whatever.”

“Ellie --”

But Ellie had already whisked out the door and was gone.

 

The next morning, Esther shrugged on her coat and opened the front door for her daily trek to the mess hall. As she stepped onto her porch, she almost stomped on a tin can that someone had carefully planted in the thin layer of snow there. Esther raised an eyebrow as she stooped to pick it up. Inside, covered in a fine dusting of icy powder, was a handful of transistors -- exactly the kind she needed to fix the turbine.

“Is this a goddamn joke?” she said to no one in particular. Only the whipping winter wind answered her.

Neither Joel nor Ellie were in the mess hall, so Esther settled on sitting down next to Maria, who was eating eggs with her husband. Esther plunked the can down between the two.

“What’s this?” Tommy asked, pointing a fork at the can.

“Transistors,” Esther replied, settling into her seat.

“Oh my god,” Maria said, snatching the can up and peering inside. “Where did you find these? I thought you said we’d have to go scavenging for them.” She directed this last comment at Tommy.

“Thought we did,” Tommy said, shrugging. 

“So I’m guessin’ neither of you left them on my doorstep,” Esther said, digging into her own breakfast.

“No,” Maria said as Tommy shook his head. “What do you mean, you found them on your doorstep?”

“What I said. Opened the door and there they were.”

Tommy scratched his chin, a poor cover-up for his knowing grin. Both Maria and Esther stared at him.

“Tommy,” Maria said, a note of warning in her voice. Esther knew that tone; it had never been directed at her, but she’d seen it make grown men cower.

Tommy flinched. “What?”

“Why do I get the feeling you’ve got something to do with this?” she asked, giving him an arch look.

Tommy threw up his hands a tad too defensively. “Me? I don’t know a damn thing.”

“Tommy --”

Tommy’s eyes flitted between his wife’s face and Esther’s. “Maria, can we talk about this later?”

Esther snorted into her bacon, shaking her head as Jackson’s leaders continued to bicker.

 

Later that afternoon, Esther found herself back at the plant, squinting at a circuit board in the dim light of a lantern. Her hands were wrapped with strips of rags, boxer-style, to protect against the cold; she’d never found a pair of gloves that would allow her to work and keep warm at the same time, so this was as good a compromise as any. She rubbed her eyes and sighed a bit. She’d have to scavenge around for a pair of glasses soon. Or get herself an apprentice, like Maria had been asking her to do for months now.

“Figured I’d find you here.”

The familiar, gruff voice startled her out of her thoughts. She whirled around to find Joel standing behind her, leaning on another dead turbine, his arms folded across his chest. Esther’s heart shot into her throat.

“I’m predictable,” she said.

The corner of Joel’s mouth twitched. “Don’t know about that.”

Esther stared at her hands, readjusting the bits of cloth as she said, “It was you, wasn’t it?”

Joel hesitated for a few months before he said, his voice tight, “Yeah.”

“It was sweet of Ellie and Tommy to put you up to it.” She wanted to look at his face. She couldn’t look at his face.

“What?” Joel said. In her peripheral vision, Esther saw him uncross his arms and straighten. “Ain’t nobody put me up to it.”

A small choking noise escaped Esther, somewhere between a bark and a laugh.

“I asked Tommy what kind of transistors you needed,” Joel said. “Ellie stuck the can on your porch. But the rest...” He spread his arms out to either side and then let them fall limp.

“Oh,” Esther said. Her heart pounded in her mouth. Why couldn’t she look at him? “Well. Thank you.”

Joel took one slow step toward her. “Won’t believe where I found ’em,” he said. His voice was unnaturally light.

“Yeah?”

“Military outpost right next door. Wouldn’t believe what scavengers left behind.”

Esther nodded. Still he took another step closer to her. She rubbed her left arm as her muscles tensed. Joel stopped. She closed her eyes tight, taking a deep breath before she opened them again.

“You didn’t have to,” she murmured.

“I know.”

Finally, she forced herself to look up. His eyes were clouded, more brown than green in the dim light. There was something in them she couldn’t read, and that fact alone crushed the air from her lungs.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“For what?” She ran a hand over her hair, pushing back the strands that had escaped from her braid.

Joel blinked at her, his brows knitting. “For -- for --” He looked around, as if searching for the words. “Everythin’,” he finally said.

Esther wanted to laugh, but she knew that wouldn’t be taken well. She settled on shaking her head. “I feel like I should be apologizin’.”

“You didn’t --”

“I did,” she said, cutting him off. Now she did laugh, the sound bitter even in her mouth. “I did a lot of shitty things, Joel, for a really long time. I don’t blame you for bein’ upset with me. I wouldn’t blame anyone.”

But Joel only frowned. “You did what we all did. You survived. I can’t -- I won’t be mad at you for that. Alright?”

Esther turned away and ran her fingers over the transistors she’d fitted to the circuit board. “I try not to tell people.”

“Tommy said that when I mentioned it to him.”

Esther snorted. “You told Tommy?”

Joel shifted audibly behind her. “Tommy wanted to know what he hell I’d done to piss you off.”

“Little did he know.”

“Esther.” His boots were heavy on the floor as he moved toward her again. She looked at him over her shoulder as he came to a stop just next to her. “Listen, I -- I know I wasn’t -- I know I didn’t --” He ran a hand through his hair as he exhaled loudly. “Can I tell you something?” he said abruptly.

Esther raised an eyebrow.

“Ellie’s immune,” he said.

Esther searched his face, but there was no humor in it, just his words, a secret that darkened very line in his face and made him look years older. “What?”

“I was takin’ her to the Fireflies,” he said. “That’s how she and I met. I was supposed to smuggle her. Because they thought she was the cure. But when we got to their lab, they told me they had to cut her brain out and -- well, I wasn’t lettin’ that happen.”

The bent and broken pieces of the puzzle standing near her suddenly shot into alignment. Her lips parted in shock as she processed this. Her head filled with the high whine of a static buzz. “Joel...”

He stepped back from her, his eyes haunted. “There you are. A secret for a secret.”

“I don’t want anything from you,” she said.

“I know.”

“Then why tell me?”

He didn’t waver as he said, “Because I trust you.” The words were slow, weighty. Wasn’t that what she had been thinking, when she’d told him?

She nodded, turning away again. The circuit board was shrouded now; it was too late to continue working. “Thank you,” she said, because she didn’t know what else to say.

“It’s gettin’ late,” Joel said.

“Yeah.”

“You comin’ to dinner?”

She gave him a small smile as she turned around. His face flickered watery in the light of the lantern. “If I’m welcome,” she said.

The corners of Joel’s eyes crinkled. “Yeah,” he said. “You’re always welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still slow going with this one. Esther and Joel are so painfully awkward with each other that sometimes they just hurt to write!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel and Esther have settled into a comfortable routine, but as the years go by, their friendship begins to change. How will they handle it?

**Two years later**

After five years in Jackson, Esther had finally fallen into a weekly routine: wall duty, training Liam during trips to the plant for turbine maintenance, mixing large enough batches of coffee that the whole town could partake, Friday dinners with Joel and Ellie (and, occasionally, Tommy and Maria). Once a month, she even went on a scavenging or hunting trip. The town that had been a refuge for her was finally beginning to feel like home.

Participating more in the daily life of Jackson, however, did have its drawbacks.

“Please tell me you’re kiddin’,” Esther said to Maria. The two women were in Maria’s office, Maria sitting behind her desk and Esther standing in front of it, her arms crossed.

Maria shook her head, her lips twisting in a poor attempt to hide her smile. “You’re one of the most organized people in town. You’d be the perfect committee chair for the midsummer festival.”

Esther rolled her eyes. “I’ve never even _been_ to the midsummer festival, forget about plannin’ it.”

“First time for everything,” Maria said, in a tone that did not allow for argument. Her eyes, however, were twinkling. 

Esther grimaced. “Fine. But only because I’m not allowed to say no.”

“It’ll be fun,” Maria said. “I promise.”

 

Joel hadn’t stopped laughing for a good five minutes.

“Quit that,” Esther said, swatting his arm as he wiped tears from his eyes. 

They were sitting on the couch in Joel’s living room, sharing a bottle of post-dinner Scotch. Ellie had left fifteen minutes before; she’d been spending a lot more time with Gemma since they’d made their relationship official, and Joel was happy to let the girl go so long as she didn’t miss dinner with Esther. He had a surprisingly soft spot for Ellie’s girlfriend, and Esther knew that Ellie was more than relieved to know that.

“I’m s-sorry,” he said, his shoulders still shaking. “It’s just that -- _you_ , plannin’ a party?” He shook his head.

“Tell me somethin’ I don’t know,” Esther muttered. She reached over to the coffee table and tipped more Scotch into her glass. “It’s gonna be a total disaster.”

“You’ll do fine,” Joel said, finally regaining control of himself.

“We’ll see,” Esther said, sighing as she took a sip. “Never even been to the damn thing.”

“Me neither,” said Joel.

“Can’t imagine either of us at a dance.”

“Says the woman who went to cotillion.”

Esther snorted. “That was a long time ago.”

“Hmph.” Joel brought his glass to his lips, looking thoughtful.

Esther studied him as she drank. Joel was still as gruff as he ever had been -- and after years of knowing him, she suspected that he had been like this long before the world had gone to shit -- but three years of living in Jackson had worn off some of his harder edges. There was a time when he had hardly ever smiled, and now Esther and Ellie could both make him laugh with comparative ease. The first time she’d heard him laugh, Esther decided that she liked the sound of it.

She never let her thoughts get farther than this.

Over the years, Ellie had mentioned two women in passing -- one was Joel’s ex-wife, and the other was someone named Tess. Esther hadn’t failed to notice how Joel’s face became thunderous at the mention of the first -- so much so that Ellie had immediately stopped talking and never mentioned her again -- and drawn and pained at the second. Esther never asked questions about either, no matter how curious she felt, and neither Joel nor Ellie offered any further information, but Esther had gathered enough. She didn’t need to be yet another in the litany of women who caused Joel pain. And so any other thoughts she may have had about him, other than that she enjoyed his company, were crushed deep down, buried along with all the other memories and feelings she’d deemed useless.

Joel’s voice shook her from her thoughts.

“I should get to bed,” he said. “Need to fix up a few roofs tomorrow.” He drained his glass and set it on the coffee table.

Esther nodded. “I should, too.”

Joel put his hands on his thighs, as if he were making to stand up, but he hesitated.

“What?” Esther took a large gulp of her Scotch. The mouthful burned all the way down.

Joel blinked, then shook his head and stood. “Nothin’. Let me know if you need any help with the festival.”

Esther put her glass down and sighed. “I hope I won’t. Bad enough I have to be tortured with it, never mind anyone else.”

One corner of Joel’s mouth lifted. “Well, offer stands regardless.”

“That’s sweet of you,” Esther said, the words tumbling from her mouth, loosened by alcohol.

Joel’s lips parted as his eyebrows drew together, but he said nothing. A stain of pink crept up his face from behind his beard.

Joel Miller was blushing. Judging by the heat in her own cheeks, Esther was, too.

“Right, well, I’ll see you,” she said, pushing past him to his front door. He might have said goodbye to her, but she was already on his porch and bounding down the dirt road, propelling herself from him as fast as she could.

So much for keeping her thoughts in check.

 

Esther threw herself into her work with such relish that Maria was instantly suspicious.

“Esther?” she asked one day as the two women and their team of volunteers worked on the garlands of dried flowers that would decorate the mess hall.

“Hm?” Esther was threading a needle through a thick wildflower head.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Esther said, still not looking at the younger woman.

“You just seem a little...” Maria paused, putting her supplies down on the table. “Distracted.”

Esther did look at Maria now, raising an eyebrow. “What do you mean? We’re almost done. I thought this would take us all another two hours at least.”

Maria looked almost pained. “It’s not about the festival, exactly.”

“Then what _is_ it about?”

Maria sighed. “You just seem almost... _too_ focused. For someone who, no offense, didn’t really want to do this in the first place.”

Esther swallowed hard, then shook her head. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Just, y’know, there’s a lot left to do...”

Which wasn’t a lie. Esther still needed to recruit entertainment for the talent show, badger a few people into being musicians for the dance, figure out what menu for the community dinner could be cobbled together from the supplies they currently had -- all on top of her usual duties.

But if Esther was completely honest with herself, it was also true that everything she was doing was a wonderful excuse to avoid Joel.

It hadn’t been intentional at first. As the planning began in earnest, the days slipped away from Esther, and as they did, she found that any thoughts she might have had about Joel slipped away, too. Because she didn’t want to think about what it might mean to be able to make a man like Joel blush. She didn’t want to think about why she herself had been embarrassed by what had been, in hindsight, a totally innocent comment. She didn’t want to think about any of it, and wouldn’t have, if it hadn’t been for Ellie.

When Esther begged off their Friday dinner once, Ellie had let it go and promised to tell Joel that Esther wouldn’t be available. The second time Esther bailed on dinner, Ellie had frowned so mightily that under other circumstances, Esther would have teased the girl for looking so much like Joel.

“Are you avoiding us?” Ellie asked.

Esther winced; Ellie had never been one to mince words. “Of course I’m not.” She was sitting on her porch, and Ellie had boosted herself up from outside of the railing, balancing on the sharp edge on her tiptoes so that her arms were dangling over Esther’s patio table.

“Then what gives?” Ellie said.

“I’m just busy,” Esther said, a hint of exasperation sneaking into her voice. She pointed her pencil at the scheduling spreadsheets that littered the table.

Ellie looked skeptical. “Esther.”

“What?”

“Is there something going on between you and Joel?”

“No!” Esther said, a little too loudly. She took a breath and shook her head. “No, nothin’s goin’ on. Once this damn festival is over, we’ll be back on schedule. I swear.”

Ellie squinted at her, but she nodded and hopped off the porch. “If you say so,” she said.

“I do say so,” Esther muttered, glaring at the spreadsheets on her table, her traitor heart pounding in her chest.

 

The first day of the midsummer festival fell on the following Friday, and, as always, it opened with a dance. Esther spent some time coiling her hair around her head in a milkmaid’s braid before putting on a somewhat faded pindot shirtdress she’d found on a scavenging trip. It was an outfit far from the glamour of her cotillion days, she reflected ruefully, but it would do.

When she arrived at the mess hall, her team of volunteers was pushing the long tables and benches toward the walls to make room for a dance floor.

“Esther!” Maria greeted her, wiping her hands on her jeans as she straightened up from shoving a table. “I need to go home and change. We’re almost done here, but --”

“I can handle it,” Esther said, nodding.

“You’ve done a really great job,” Maria added, squeezing the older woman’s shoulder as she walked past.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Esther said. “Long weekend still ahead.” She had been trying to keep her voice light, but the strain of nervousness still crept in.

Maria smiled at her. “Don’t worry. It’s going to be great.”

Esther bit her lip, then headed over to help put up the decorations, standing on one of the tables that had been pushed aside to tack the garlands along the walls. As she was nailing a section to the wall, the pile of garland on the table below her shifted. She looked down and almost fell off the table when she saw Joel standing below her, holding the next section ready for her.

They stared at each other for a few long moments. Joel’s eyes were wide, like he’d never actually seen her before. Esther’s lips parted to speak, but no words came out. Finally, Joel cleared his throat.

“Hi,” he said, gravel on gravel.

“Hi,” Esther said, her heart fluttering like a goddamned teenager’s.

“Almost didn’t recognize you,” Joel said.

Esther felt her face heat. She looked him up and down and crooked her lips in a small smile. “I could say the same about you,” she said, pointing her hammer at the beat-up brown sportcoat he was wearing over his usual flannel and jeans.

Joel snorted, but he ducked his head a bit and rubbed the back of his neck. “Best Maria could do,” he said, shrugging. He glanced up  at her through his eyelashes, and whatever Esther might have been about to say next flew out of her head.

“So,” she said.

Joel shook his head slightly, as if to clear it. “Esther, I --”

Someone gave a sharp whistle, and Joel and Esther both looked over to the mess hall’s entrance, where Tommy was waving his arms to get everyone’s attention.

“Alright, people!” he called. “We’ve got about twenty minutes before this thing starts, so start wrappin’ up whatever you’re doin’!”

Joel seemed to have forgotten whatever it was he had wanted to say. Instead, he fed the loose end of the garland to Esther as she quickly tacked it up. As she slammed the last nail home, a thought occurred to her.

“What are you doin’ here so early, anyway?” she asked. She ignored the hand he offered her as she hopped off the table, even though the impact of hitting the ground made her ankles ache.

Joel reddened behind his beard. “Chaperonin’,” he muttered.

Esther clapped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late -- she laughed in loud gasps as Joel glared at her. “I’m sorry,” she said, wheezing. “Whose idea was _that_?”

“Maria,” Joel deadpanned. “Who the hell else?”

Esther wiped tears away from her eyes, still giggling. “Jesus. Poor kids don’t know what they’re in for.”

“Shut it,” Joel said, but his lips twitched as if he were fighting a smile.

Esther only smirked; it felt good to laugh with him again. As attendees began filtering into the mess hall, Esther reluctantly excused herself, silently hoping that everything between them could just go back to normal.

 

If Esther had known she was going to spend most of her evening running around like a chicken with its head cut off, she probably would have argued with Maria a whole hell of a lot more about chairing the damn planning committee. Between making sure the refreshments were well-stocked, checking in on the band, and greeting people who wanted to thank her for her efforts, Esther was sure this was the most grueling thing she’d done in years. Crossing the country on foot had never seemed easier.

She reminded herself, however, that in the end, she didn’t really have a reason to complain. Hearing how much people were already enjoying themselves made all her stress seem worth it, and it made her more confident about the rest of the weekend. Seeing Ellie dancing with Gemma, then with Joel, also made Esther smile.

An hour before the dance was set to end, Esther snuck out the mess hall’s back door to escape the heat that had built up inside the building over the course of the evening. Outside, there was an unseasonably cool breeze, which brought with it the soft sound of crickets chirping. Above her, the stars spread out across the clear, black sky like a smattering of freckles across skin. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. In moments like these, she was especially grateful for the peace Jackson offered.

The door opened and slammed shut again next to her. When she opened her eyes, she saw Joel standing awkwardly, hands shoved deep in his pockets, watching her.

“Havin’ fun?” she asked him, brushing stray strands of hair away from her face.

“More fun than I thought I would,” he admitted, looking at his shoes. “You did a good job,” he added.

“Thanks.”

He took a step closer to her and asked, “What’re you hidin’ out here for?”

“Just needed a break,” she said. “You?”

“I, uh.” He cleared his throat. “I saw you leavin’.”

“Oh.” She looked at him as a knot formed in her stomach. Whatever was about to happen, she wasn’t sure if she was going to like it.

“Esther,” he said, before he bit his lip, stopping himself.

“Joel?” she prompted. She crossed her arms; her hands were sweating.

“Look, I -- I ain’t very good with words,” he said, scratching his head. “So this is gonna --” He took a loud breath, then looked her in the eye. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on between us,” he finally said.

Esther blinked. Her head was filling with static. “What do you mean?” she asked, the words falling off her tongue like molasses.

Joel began pacing, his shoulders hunched. “I mean -- look, I ain’t gonna bullshit. We haven’t talked to each other in three weeks, and that ain’t nothin’.”

“No,” Esther agreed. “It’s not.” Her ears were full of cotton. His voice was coming from very far away.

“It took me a while to figure out why,” he continued. He came to a stop, but he was staring out into the trees beyond Jackson. “I don’t -- I don’t do a lot of thinkin’. About myself. You know?”

“Yes,” she said.

“But Ellie -- well. When I did figure it out.” His face contorted, like he was battling with himself, with the words that were trying to escape him. “I started wonderin’ if you were avoidin’ me for the same reason I was avoidin’ you.”

“And what reason was that?” Esther whispered.

Joel turned to look at her. His face was engulfed in shadows, but as he moved closer to her, she could see the bright nervousness in his eyes, smell the beer on his breath. Her stomach flipped. God, was she sure was a day over sixteen?

When he next spoke, his voice was a hoarse whisper. “We’ve been friends for a while now.”

She nodded, watching as, in slow motion, Joel lifted one trembling hand and touched his rough fingertips to her cheekbone. From that small gesture alone, her nerves were on fire, heat spreading from his skin to hers. Without thinking, she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand.

“Esther, I --”

They jumped away from each other, as if they’d been burned, when the town’s sirens went off. The fog in Esther’s head disappeared instantly.

The back door slammed open again a moment later, and Maria stuck her head out. Her face was pale.

“We’re under attack,” she said. “Bandits. Joel, Esther, we need you both on the wall. Now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had a dollar for every time I yelled "MY POOR AWKWARD, DUMB CHILDREN" at Joel and Esther as I was writing this chapter, I could buy myself a house.
> 
> Also, I personally hate doing the "X years later" thing in my stories, but this time it really needed it. Writing these two just being bros for two years wouldn't have been terribly interesting, probably.
> 
> Also also, for those who have read ["First Dance,"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715091) this is that dance. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson is under attack. Will Esther and Joel have a happy ending?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, whoo!
> 
> By the way, here's a tiny [playlist](https://play.spotify.com/user/doublexstrike/playlist/125I02guqdLixQHyB6ph37) of the music that's been inspiring me as I wrote this.

Adrenaline coursed through Esther as she and Joel sprinted from the mess hall. She’d never been so thankful that her house was on the way to the front gates protecting Jackson’s entrance. In the distance, she heard the crack of gunfire and the muffled sounds of shouting.

As she peeled away from Joel to run down her own street, she called to him: “I’ll meet you there.”

Joel nodded. “Be careful.”

Inside her house, Esther took a moment to look down at herself. There wasn’t enough time for her to change out of her dress; she would just have to make it work. She grabbed her rifle from where it leaned against the wall near the door and took off again.

At the gates, the darkness was punctuated by muzzle flashes appearing at a crack in the gates where the bandits were no doubt trying to push their way in, as well as along the tops of the walls where the sentries stood guard. Esther raised her rifle as she approached, squinting down her sights through the darkness. She lined up a shot, aiming for one of the masked intruders, popping off two quick shots at the bandit’s head. The assailant dropped like a stone. Earl, who had been battling the bandit hand-to-hand, took a step back and gave Esther a quick nod.

“Good to see you,” he said. “Let’s get up top.”

Earl made a dash for the ladder leading up to the sentry posts as Esther covered his back, rapidly shooting and reloading as she picked off a few more of the bandits who were breaking through the gate. At the ladder, she head a few hard cracks and Earl smashed the butt of his rifle into a few skulls, but after that, the way was clear. The two scrambled up, the firefight blazing all around them.

At the top of the wall, the sentries were watching the ladders, picking off bandits who were trying to get the advantage of height. Others were focused on beating back the crowd of intruders on the ground both inside and outside the gates. Esther stepped over a few bodies as she and Earl took up their positions, wincing as she tried not to think about whose bodies they might be. She made her way over to the guard tower, where she saw Joel carefully aiming outside the gates.

“Took you long enough,” he said as he dropped behind the tower wall to reload.

“Gimme a break,” she said as she picked up the slack, aiming down at the dark ground. “Where’s Ellie?”

Joel grunted and jerked his head to their left. Even in the low light, Esther could make out Ellie’s red hair as she tackled the other ladder.

“Told her to stay home,” he said, straightening and taking aim again.

“Yeah, and you thought she’d actually listen to that?” Esther said.

Joel just snorted.

The bandits had come in force this time: Esther counted twenty still standing, and she couldn’t begin to guess how many they’d started out with.

“They’re gettin’ a little bold, aren’t they?” she said as she stooped to reload.

“Just means they’re gettin’ desperate,” Joel said. “We chase ’em off this time, we won’t be seein’ them again anytime soon.”

“I hope you’re right.”

It took far longer than Esther liked, but as the last bandit outside the wall fell, she breathed a small sigh of relief. She took a look over the side of the guard tower, where the last intruders left were still battling it out with Jackson’s residents.

“I’m goin’ down,” she said.

“Right behind you,” Joel said.

Esther made her way back over to the ladder and started climbing down. Above her, she heard a rough noise.

“Fuck!” Joel yelled.

She couldn’t see him over the lip of the platform above her. “Joel? Joel! Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he hissed. “Just keep -- _watch out!”_

Something slammed hard into Esther’s shoulder and _burned_ , causing her to lose her grip on the ladder. The pain was so overwhelming she didn’t know she was falling until her head cracked against the hard-packed earth below. Stars bloomed in front of her eyes and her ears rang, drowning out the sounds of the fight. She couldn’t get enough air in her lungs, and when she tried, she felt like she was being knifed between every rib.

A person-shaped shadow swam above her, the face unrecognizable in the dark. This person reached out to her, and Esther closed her eyes against the pain coursing through her body.

 _I’m gonna die here_ , she thought, and the fact that this idea brought her a strange calm frightened her more than actually dying. Her only regret, she reflected foggily, is that she wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to Joel or Ellie.

And then everything faded out.

 

When she woke, it was to a lightning bolt of pain shooting through her shoulder.

“Jesus _Christ_ ,” she hissed, sitting up on what appeared to be a makeshift cot. A firm hand pushed her back down.

“Sorry about that,” said a familiar voice. “We’re still working. Here.” A hand shoved a wooden stick between her teeth. “Bite down, this is going to hurt.”

Esther blinked as a face swam into view above her: Harriet, Jackson’s doctor. She looked exhausted, her face stern. She was wielding a pair of pliers.

“Fuck,” Esther breathed, right before Harriet dug the tool back into the wound in her shoulder.

Esther clamped down on the stick and screamed past her clenched teeth as pure fire burned through her body. Her limbs jerked with the pain, her head thrown back against the cot. She couldn’t breathe.

And then the tool was out.

“Almost done,” Harriet murmured. Esther groaned as Harriet splashed what could only be alcohol on the wound, then began mopping it up.

“Your ribs are bruised,” Harriet added as she wrapped the wound in clean rags. “And you probably have a concussion. It’s a miracle you didn’t take more damage; Joel tells me you had quite the fall.”

Esther turned her head and spat the stick out. It looked like she was in Harriet’s living room, which made her wince. “Joel?” she croaked. Her voice sounded alien even to her. “Where is he?”

Harriet’s eye twitched. “Right outside. Told him he couldn’t pace around in here like a crazy person while I was working on you. He’s fine, twisted his ankle tripping over a body but he’s none the worse for wear.”

“Pfft,” Esther said. The pain-induced adrenaline was wearing off, and now she only felt exhausted. “And Ellie?”

“Fine. Tommy’s fine; Maria’s fine.” Then Harriet frowned. “Jed got hit pretty bad. Not sure what the damage is, but I think it’s permanent. Spinal. We’ve got twelve dead, too.” She shook her head. “I need to go treat some scrapes. Will you be alright?”

Esther’s head lolled against the cot. “Fine.”

“Get some sleep,” Harriet said, patting Esther’s knee before she moved away.

Even amidst the aftershocks of pain and the moaning of the wounded, Esther drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

 

Esther was laid up for two weeks as her ribs healed. Ellie came to visit her every day, sometimes with Gemma, to update her on what was going on in the town. By the end of the first week, they had cleared away the bodies and were working on repairs to the gates.

“Joel’s down there now,” Ellie reported one day. She had brought Esther soup, and sat with the older woman as she ate. “Keeps muttering shit about shoddy craftsmanship. Tommy’s about to kill him.”

Esther smirked. “Sounds about right.” Then she sighed. “I’m sorry to be missin’ the funeral today.”

Ellie nodded, her eyes uncharacteristically dark. She simply took Esther’s hand and squeezed it, and they sat like that in silence until it was time for Ellie to leave.

When Joel came, he came alone.

He only visited once, a late evening right before the end of Esther’s observation period. His face and hands were smudged with grease and dirt, and the lines on his face were deep, making him look a decade older.

“Hi,” Esther said as he made his way over to her. Her throat was sticking.

He gave her a nod. “Howdy.” He sat heavily in the folding chair next to her cot. “How you holdin’ up?”

Esther shrugged, then winced as her shoulder complained. “Been better, been worse.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier,” he continued. “I’ve been --”

“Working on repairs, I know,” Esther said. “Ellie told me.”

He nodded, looked down at his filthy hands and rubbed them together.

“You alright?” Esther asked.

He smiled faintly. “That’s funny, comin’ from you.” Then he ran a hand over his beard, unconsciously smearing more grease on his face. Esther fiddled with her blanket to hide her grin. “I thought I was gonna lose you,” he said quietly.

Esther sobered, smoothing her hand over her covers. “I’m still here.”

Joel nodded. “I know.” He fidgeted, as if he were about to say more, but instead he stood. “I’ll let you rest up.” And then he was gone.

It wasn’t until after Harriet’s door had shut that Esther realized how fast her heart was beating. Soon, she knew, there would be no avoiding whatever it was he’d been trying to tell her at the dance.

 

"You need to get a sofa,” Maria said as she helped Esther into her house.

Esther snorted, then hissed as she jostled her ribs. She was leaning heavily on Maria. “What the fuck would I do with a sofa?”

“Have less distance to walk before you can sit down, for starters,” Maria said, rolling her eyes as Esther hobbled into her kitchen and gingerly lowered herself into a chair.

Esther flapped a hand at the younger woman. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Maria arched an eyebrow. “Uh huh. I’ll send someone over to help you out with dinner.” Esther opened her mouth to protest, but Maria put a hand up to silence her. “You’re not getting yourself over to the mess hall anytime soon, and this way I won’t have to worry about you falling over and needing to stay at Harriet’s again. You’re not winning this argument.”

Esther slumped back in her chair and sighed. “Fine. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Maria said, a shadow of a smile on her face.

 

Several hours later, just as the sun began to dip in the sky, there was a loud knock at Esther’s door. She startled awake, wincing as she sat up from the crunched-up position she had assumed whenever it was she had fallen asleep.

“It’s open,” she called, using the table to help her sit up.

The door opened, and Joel stuck his head around the edge of it. In his hands was a casserole dish. The image was so ridiculous that Esther laughed out loud, then grimaced as the motion rattled her still-bruised ribs.

“You really oughta lock up,” he said as he entered. Ellie tumbled in behind him, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“I would if I were able to get up,” Esther deadpanned.

Joel’s face immediately tightened with concern. Ellie was already raiding Esther’s cabinets, looking for dishes.

“I’m fine,” Esther insisted. “What’d you bring me?”

“Lasagna,” Ellie said as she placed three chipped and mismatched plates on the table. “Joel made it.”

“So it’s edible,” Esther said. Ellie stuck her tongue out at her.

Esther had forgotten how much she missed having dinner with Joel and Ellie. The teenager filled the silence with companionable chatter as they ate, which did more for Esther’s mood than even the hot meal in front of her. When they were finished, Joel covered the rest of the food and stuck it in the fridge.

“Got enough leftovers to tide you over for a day or so,” he said.

“But we can still come by if you want company,” Ellie quickly offered.

Esther shook her head. “I know you both are busy. This’ll be fine, thank you.”

“If you’re sure...” Ellie said. She was standing behind her chair now, gripping the back of it and looking uncertain.

“I’m sure,” Esther said. She glanced at Joel, but he was looking out the window, his expression absent-minded.

There was a short silence, but it seemed to take up so much space that even Ellie began to fidget.

“Well, I should get going,” the girl finally said. “I told Gemma I’d help her out with -- uh.” She coughed and flushed slightly. “I’ll see you soon, Esther. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Thanks, Ell,” Esther said.

Ellie looked at Joel. “You coming?”

Joel jumped a little, then looked from Ellie to Esther. “You need any help?” he asked Esther. “Gettin’ upstairs, or anythin’?”

Ellie smacked her forehead. “Oh! Yeah, your bed is upstairs.”

Esther felt her face heat. “I’m alright, really, don’t --”

But Ellie was already standing in front of her, stooping to put her shoulder under Esther’s armpit.

“Ellie --” Esther said, exasperated.

Joel came over and shooed Ellie away. “I’ll take care of it,” he said. “You get outta here.”

Ellie squinted at Joel, her face unreadable for a moment, before she nodded and left.

“Alright,” Joel said, hands on his hips, appraising Esther. “How are we gonna do this?”

“Joel --”

But he shook his head. “You ain’t gonna out-stubborn me and you know it. Let me help you.”

Esther exhaled audibly. “It’s mostly my ribs that hurt. If you can get me on my feet, that’s half the battle.”

Wordless, Joel held out his hands to her. She grasped them -- warm and calloused between her own -- and he hauled her to her feet. She swayed on the spot, then steadied, steeling herself with a breath.

“Alright?” Joel asked, holding a hand out toward her as if to catch her if she fell.

“So far,” she said.

She took slow steps toward the stairs, Joel at her elbow. As she mounted the first stare, Joel made a small noise in his throat, but didn’t try to stop or help her. She clung to the banister, her legs still shaky from two weeks in bed, but she made it upstairs without any further assistance from him. Her jostled ribs ached, but she wasn’t much the worse for wear.

“See?” she asked, breathing more heavily than she was proud to admit. “I’m fine. You can go.”

Joel just chuckled to himself and scratched at the back of his neck.

“What?” Esther asked.

“Nothin’,” Joel said. “You’re just somethin’ else, is all.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You can.” He shrugged.

Esther crooked a smile at him. “If you’re just gonna make fun of me, you might as well get outta my house.”

Joel looked at her, his face suddenly serious. The smile dropped right off Esther’s face as her stomach began to churn.

“What?” she asked, her mouth dry.

Joel hesitated, opened and closing his mouth several times before he said to his feet, “I was gonna tell you somethin’. The night of the dance. Before the attack.”

“I know,” she whispered. When she swallowed, the sides of her throat stuck to each other.

He looked at her sharply and then away again, a flash of his bright eyes in the darkness of the upstairs hallway.

“You don’t have to say anythin’ you don’t want to,” Esther whispered. “We can just get back to where we left off.”

Joel smiled faintly. “Well, where we left off was a dance. I ain’t danced with you yet, have I?”

Dreamlike, he moved toward her, slipping one strong arm carefully around her waist, taking her cold, clamming fingers in his with his other hand. The uncertainty and shyness in his eyes made him look decades younger and cut through her fear like a knife, When she grinned and looked down, he choked out a little laugh and began moving. He hummed tunelessly, shuffling her along the hardwood floor, resting his cheek on the crown of her head, his throat vibrating just millimeters from her face. She closed her eyes, breathing in the earthy smell of him as her heart burst open, everything she had been afraid to say and feel flooding her chest in a sudden deluge.

God, she loved him so much.

She loved his voice, his large hands warm against her body, the way his muscles rippled under his skin when he worked, the way he faced his enemies without fear, the way he took care of Ellie, the way he shared his secrets, the way he forgave even though a man like him should no longer be capable of even the smallest pardons, the way he was still living -- _living_ \-- in spite of everything. Yes, she loved him. She’d loved him for years. She’d loved him since the day he let her tell him a joke on the wall. Of course she had. How could she not?

Esther didn’t realize she was crying until Joel stepped back, alarm scrawled all over his face, and took her face in his hands, rubbing the tears away with his rough thumbs.

“Esther?” he said, his voice shaking with panic.

She closed her eyes. Every part of her was on fire. Every part of her was drowning. She shook her head.

“What?” Joel asked.

“Nothin’,” she whispered thickly.

“C’mon,” Joel said, but his tone was gentle. “This ain’t nothin’.”

She looked at him, hazy through her tears. “It doesn’t matter,” she said.

“Tell me?”

She’d never heard him ask for anything before. Her heart blocked her throat.

“Joel, I --”

“Screw it,” he muttered to himself, before he stepped closer to her and planted his mouth on hers.

The world stopped. The universe was his hands on her wet cheeks, his beard scratching her skin, his mouth unbearably soft on hers. When his tongue slid against hers, she almost started crying again.

They only broke away, breathless, when he pressed his hand a little too hard into her back, jostling her ribs. His eyes were dark with wanting, with words he couldn’t form, couldn’t say, even now. He didn’t have to. She already knew them by heart.

“Esther,” he began, hoarse.

She responded by grabbing him around the back of his neck and pulling him close to her again.

 

In later years, long after Ellie had moved across town, after Esther had moved into Joel’s house, after he had died, she thought often about that night in the hallway, about his lips moving against hers, silently spelling out everything they’d kept hidden for years. 

She would sit on their porch, listening to the wind rustling through the trees, carrying with it the sounds of children’s laughter, and remember, too, the deep boom of his voice, the feel of his arms around her, his lips near her ear, often too shy to say he loved her.

It didn’t matter. In the end, she’d known it all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we have come to the end of what might be my last multi-chapter TLOU fic. It's time for me to get back to writing original stuff, at least for now.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's joined me on this journey! When I first began writing this story, it was half out of wish-fulfillment, because I wanted to see Joel and Ellie to as happy an ending as I could manage, given the world they live in. But I also wanted to figure out who Esther could be -- why Druckmann would even invent her, why Joel would even give her the time of day in such a way that he would remember and pass along one of her jokes to Ellie. That idea ballooned and became "Survivors." I hope it was at least a little enjoyable.


End file.
